WhAt A lAzY dAy

So………..its’s raining and raining and well, raining! I wanted to go swimming with my son today – So much for that!      The other day we went to the local craft store and bought a Bunch of  jewelry. I have become Really good at making jewelry. Today I decided I can start making the women at church bible markers with beads and cross charms or key charms because after all God is the Key to everything!! well thats all for now.  I guess I will go inside and help my mother recover her chair cushions - I help my mom A lot and I love it!!!!

coming together

Well……………….I am in “the system” to sub for this year.  Thank GOD!!!!  I can finally get this show on the road – I am feeling better already I can work and clean my house out(1 person is all that makes it dirty-not dirty filthy but dirty just his mere presence)  as I look in the mirror I am starting to see this girl I never knew – Someone better than my current situation ,pretty, and talented! I am not so bad – in fact I like me!!   It is finally coming together.

      I miss the hell out of John though – he’s living his life and I hope he his happy and finds everything in this life he wants. He stands for everything good in a man!! like a breath of fresh air on one those air alert kinda days lol. Whatever he’s doing i send him xo.

just thinking

1)     I can’t wait until my mother gets Botox shots for her feet and pain – they say Botox was originally created for dystonia patients-it releases a muscle spasm also alleviating pain at the same time – in moms case that would make her toes straighten out so that she could balance herself better making it easier for her to walk and she could get rid of the constant pain associated with Parkinson’s!!  I worry about her nonstop! I pray every night that God will take it from her and if it must go somewhere give it to me. I just HATE seeing her suffer!!!!!

2)    My knee hurts and I must wait until September 10th to have an MRI done on it – I had an xray done at the ER, nothings broken, but my doctor thinks I tore my ACL – and if that’s the case they would have to do a minor surgery

3)     Counting done the days until I can say I don’t live with a monster anymore, cursing me all of the time, yelling at me, and blaming me for anything and everything!! I have always accepted full responsibility for my actions no matter how awful or crazy they were.I wished everyone else practiced that!! lol

3)      Wondering why a certain someone does not take more interest in me – am I ugly,annoying,just plain boring – What?!  Who knows but I think about it often unfortunately :(

you read me

you must have read me , there was no text or call. Should this surprise me, no not at all. I hope i am reading to much into this and I am wrong but who knows – at least I know where I feel like I belong.

I am a little worried

I hope you dont judge me when you read my page. It’s just my thoughts  my feelings on a blog I share with you.  I know it sounds like alot and It is. It’s me though     and it’s all true!!

I miss you John C.

John C. I miss you so much, do you ever miss me. I think about you everyday honestly, do you ever think of me At All?  I could be so good to you, do you even care – I will understand if you don’t, I deserve it! Do you ever miss me At All( in any way), I miss you all the way. lol  -  but really I do!

just what I was thinking

Why

Why did I have to be such a drunk? when you wanted me, I wanted that bottle – don’t get me wrong I wanted you too just wanted that bottle. You were everything and more a girl could ever hope for and I was just too blind and stupid to see it. I wish I could have you back – oh how I wish that. I wish I was sitting with you on the back porch right now talking with your arm around me  under the stars (without a drink in my hand) I wish I could have one more hug/kiss from you (that you meant) I wish I was with you and knew that tomorrow we would be together as well. I wish I talked to you everyday – Like old times (but at a normal time). I wish I could hear your voice right now, I wish we were  beside your bed again on our knees praying (my heart and soul would be in it!) I wish I hadn’t treated you so badly John – you sure NEVER deserved it!! I wish I had us to do over again, I would be so much better – you would be proud!! I wish I could call you mine again! I wish I was with you John Oh how I wish that!! I miss you, I miss the “US” we could have been, had I not been such a selfish idiot. If there was anything I could do to change your mind – I would do it in a heartbeat!! I love you, always have and always will – I just wish you could find it in your heart to love me too!!

Everything Happens For A Reason?!?

I have often wondered why things are the way they are – or should I say happen the way they do!  Well for starters people often tell me I think WAY too much!! This is probably TRUE! With that being said – lol . Heres is my latest reasoning for my current situation – when I was younger ” in college” I did what all my friends were doing and that was (you’ll never guess – Drink). That is where my karma or relationship learning experience started by stopping mentally – and what I mean by that is I met some boring people (I dated)  well……. come to find out they weren’t boring, I was just drunk! I met and dated this fantastic man for 4 years he put up with me and my personal hell – he then wanted me to Quit drinking I wouldn’t so I picked alcohol over him one could say – and now I am married to an alcoholic – The shoe is on the other foot. I quit drinking shortly after I met my husband, only problem is – he has yet to quit! I would love to be sober and see where that past relationship would have gone - because I believe it would have been still going – Oh So Happily!! but due to my bad choices and satan in a bottle , i am sure I’ll never know. He was an amazing man – God-fearing, down to earth,Honest, Affectionate, easy-going, and loved my son and I SO Much!!!! I never knew just how much I loved him too!! Sometimes I call him just hear his voice – it comforts me when I’m a wreck – I don’t let him know that – but it does!!

just saying

Some Things Never Change

How could I miss you so and you never think of me at all – I have tried to get your attention and it never works. I know I was awful to you and I dont deserve your time but I wish there was a way you would give me your time just one more time you would never regret it but I guess some things never change – I will forever be that awful person I “use to be” even though I have come sooo far – I just want you to see it!!

Life

Well I started this site so that I could use the blogs almost like a journal (that I couldn’t lose). It Makes me feel better to get it all out per say when ever I feel like a mad woman. Let me start by giving a complete overview – my dear sweet mother has Parkinson’s/dystonia and I am with a man who is “classified” as an alcoholic. My mother, we are so close and I would do anything for her – it’s hard to watch her hurt while I am with her doing everything in my power to make life better for her , somehow. My husband, WOW he is a handful to say the least – He says he isn’t drinking when there are times I feel like for certain he is – normally he is a pretty nice man with a temper but just runs his mouth here and there – but when he drinks – He curses up a purple storm. My husband just yesterday is cursing at me in the gas station parking lot -In Front- of people, that’s what gets me is he doesn’t mind that people see him acting like a child. I do!! I told him I wouldn’t talk to my worst enemy that way, Simply because I think more of myself! I wish I could just wage a war on alcohol – it’s really No good for anyone except for maybe the government because after all – They Can and Do Tax it. It really upsets me that something that is so bad for the person consuming it and all the persons around that person after that person  has consumed it! Whats wrong with world? You see on TV Man under the influence causes crash 3 people pronounced dead at the scene and man under the influence which we believe to be alcohol has been taken into police custody – More at 10:00 – HELLO why does everyone else get hurt? For what?

Anyway enough about that, I just felt the need to vent a little

better for the moment,

Victoria